Today was a weird day…
I discovered many things
I didn’t know I could still cry (I cried twice today and I don’t feel ashamed of admitting it)
I discovered what I’ve made myself into without practicing my music dedicatedly
I discovered what one of the most important people in my life thinks of me now (not weird but still funny and hyper-active) :D
Arre yaar…life shows it’s true colours when you’re not ready for it. Why? Why?
I want to get past that guilt…that feeling of scribbling all over myself with a pen lying astray for many decades unattended and uncared for in my house…literally! I did that…drew weird patterns on my hands. I still couldn’t get rid of the guilt. It pierced me. I was ashamed. My embarrassment meant defeat to him, my dad said. Can I kill myself now? Pierce myself all over with the sharpest object I can lay my hands on? Jump from the 13th floor? Achha kam se kam now I’ve resolved to turn into a new person. Kal se regular riyaaz. Promise! And no listening to firangi music (uh…who am I kidding??)…ok…regulated amounts?
For one…I need to control this monster in me and get back to what I was….
Shoot…so much of work! I have noticed something rather weird (or maybe I and many of my peers have remained indifferent to this…we don’t want to notice it)…the more work that piles up…the farther we run away from it.
But I still haven’t told you why I cried the first time. It was when I was listening to a song...the “sriti” part of the song hit me. I was even talking then…about what hurt me most emotionally once when I was a kid. I let the river flow after many years…and felt so relieved! I heard a few things that I pined for from so long…but some I didn’t want to hear (although I knew of them unconsciously). I know now there’s no hope for something. The loss of that hope and remembering all the beautiful things I once got to experience got me teary eyed. I guess things that are better this way. And I haven’t seen the future yet…so I don’t think it might be so murky and colourless after all…. (Oh the results I almost forgot about :P). No it’s not wrong to be hopeful. But what I’m hoping for is going to come out of hurt, shattering of hearts…tch tch…nah I don’t want all that. I just want everyone to be happy…in whichever way they desire. Me shall live with my music…happy and unbothered… :)
And I still haven’t found a solution for something…I don’t know how to not hurt a person…which is but inevitable. I’m letting time do the talking now…
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
"Always in my thoughts you arealways in my dreams you are
I got your voice on tape
I got your spirit in a photgraph
Always out of reach you are
Cold inside my arms you are
Simple like a child you are
I remember when you took my hand and led me through the rain
Down inside my soul you are
The more I show the way I feel
The less I find you give a damn
The more I get to know
The less I find that I understand
Innocent, the time we spent
Forgot to mention we're good friends
You thought it was the start of something beautiful?
Well think again.
Mother lost her looks for you
Father never wanted you
I trust to love and then I find you never really felt the same
There's something in your heart so cruel"
-"Start of something beautiful",
Deadwing,Porcupine Tree
I don't get all the things i want in life....and maybe I'm not meant to get them all
Like someone said...."it was never meant to be i guess"
Life changes all the time...turbulent as it is...some changes only help make me feel better in life. Change and time just erase all the wounds...some i probably wanted to stay. They didn't. The wounds simply stayed back in my mind as rusted memories. I thought of those things for so long that I started getting used to them. They became a part of me. I meditated on acceptance. And here I am...ready with my arms wide open to let everything sink in and...I accept! But I never wondered about this servility I was showing the waves that planned to shake me.
I question myself sometimes about what it was...I was too young to understand then...and now I'm too old to go back to that and repent about my mistakes. Yes...I made mistakes! Can't i be forgiven?
The first cut is the deepest...
"This was what it was meant to be like"
I keep falling out with myself...I tell myself time has been kind to me by being the source of hope. Distance has been so too.The spaces seem to swallow all the secrets...all the awkwardness and all that was "not meant to be"...
And here when time brings a mirror with it...and places it in front of me forcing me to look into it. It blinds me...the stark light like truth i don't wish to see. I battle it...but it wins...and when i look...I'm horrified. It's me..but only in the form of someone else.
This is what life is about. You don't want to do a few things...but life forces you to do them. And how can I hold my head up and demand my share...when i know what it feels like?
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Hmmm....Pujos are here again. And the air...I'm getting drunk on it...
It's hardly ever that i miss Pujo. Especially in Udita. I look forward to the Pujas....for all the fun...all my friends coming over for holidays..performing with Illusions....
This time it's going to be different. No pujo...no pigging out...no hanging around downstairs without a care....
:(
Leaving for Manali on saturday morning. Was very excited about it initially...but now I'm feeling bad about all that I'll be missing out on...
Happy Pujo to you all :)
Friday, September 26, 2008
20th budday :D
Music. As soon as I sense the mentioning this word, I lose myself. People often tell me that it’s wrong to reveal your weaknesses, but I have little choice. The greatest pleasure from music, to me, is by sharing it.
Music according to me has no barriers. I learn Indian classical, but I listen to everything, right from Blur to Floyd to Beethoven. I have faced many instances where people criticize me for being unfaithful to what I’m learning.
Music has also taught me so much. It’s all for the moment, to lose myself in the passion, to let my melody do the talking. This is one reason why my 20th birthday was so special….I was immersed in what I loved most.
Not everyone believed I was sane when I told them my band will be performing on my birthday. The college union fresher’ welcome was very tactfully scheduled for the 24th, but the prospect of being associated with music on my birthday excited me.
When I reached for the first practice session, however, I was in for a few surprises. I had to tackle my orthodox stance. What I usually refer to as “bhool bhaal gaan” in colloquial Bengali suddenly hit me in my face. Singing for the college band was my dream, being invited for it was a dream come true….but this?? Something hit me very hard….am I dong justice? What if people heard of what I was doing? The questions that I would have to answer gave me sleepless nights (thankfully only two…for we started proper rehearsals only two days before the actual performance). It always pained me to come out of my shell and do something I wasn’t fully willing to do….but this time I took a chance. And thank God for that!
There’s so much I’ve learned in the past few days. I fell in love with the band, my co-members and the feeling of being in a band surrounded by music once again came back to me after a very long time. Illusions had taught me to enjoy my music and fall in love with it. But here, I learnt that music truly doesn’t know any barriers, and it’s all about having fun onstage- I jumped, ran around, cared a damn for what the world thinks and cared lesser for people who criticized me for what I was doing. I sang songs which were meant for male vocalists, but I had no qualms about it. My friends laughed about it (and so did I along with them) but after it was all over the smile on my face was enough as an answer to all my questions. We freaked out and enjoyed ourselves…that’s all I cared about. Music is about that…no one’s corrupting it….it’s too great to be corrupted and messed with. There’s something good in everything…it’s for us to find that out and enjoy it.
P.S. my biggest challenge was singing ‘Smooth’. Avi did a neat job with it, but I being a female vocalist, didn’t find it easy.
In the evening I went out with my best friend for dinner at McDonald’s at Mani Square. A certain somebody hadn’t bothered to call me or wish me following a supposed “tiff” so I didn’t make any effort to involve that person.Hmph. Dinner was going fine till my dear friend started a tantrum-that she’ll not believe I’m a year older till I cut a birthday cake. Now, at 10 30 in the night, how on earth am I supposed to find a birthday cake? But I still complied and we went on a hunt. All the shops were closing down, when we found a single confectionary still open. On impulse, we went in there to find all the cakes lying in remains or in a very sorry state. What caught shalini’s eye was a mousse…a choc butterscotch mousse which looked tempting indeed but was hardly suitable for a substituting a birthday cake. As usual I lost. We bought it and went back to McDonald’s. I couldn’t believe I was doing it…but I “cut” the mousse and yummmmm!!! The best birthday cake ever!!! I was insane, doing crazy things…but loving it all!
Music according to me has no barriers. I learn Indian classical, but I listen to everything, right from Blur to Floyd to Beethoven. I have faced many instances where people criticize me for being unfaithful to what I’m learning.
Music has also taught me so much. It’s all for the moment, to lose myself in the passion, to let my melody do the talking. This is one reason why my 20th birthday was so special….I was immersed in what I loved most.
Not everyone believed I was sane when I told them my band will be performing on my birthday. The college union fresher’ welcome was very tactfully scheduled for the 24th, but the prospect of being associated with music on my birthday excited me.
When I reached for the first practice session, however, I was in for a few surprises. I had to tackle my orthodox stance. What I usually refer to as “bhool bhaal gaan” in colloquial Bengali suddenly hit me in my face. Singing for the college band was my dream, being invited for it was a dream come true….but this?? Something hit me very hard….am I dong justice? What if people heard of what I was doing? The questions that I would have to answer gave me sleepless nights (thankfully only two…for we started proper rehearsals only two days before the actual performance). It always pained me to come out of my shell and do something I wasn’t fully willing to do….but this time I took a chance. And thank God for that!
There’s so much I’ve learned in the past few days. I fell in love with the band, my co-members and the feeling of being in a band surrounded by music once again came back to me after a very long time. Illusions had taught me to enjoy my music and fall in love with it. But here, I learnt that music truly doesn’t know any barriers, and it’s all about having fun onstage- I jumped, ran around, cared a damn for what the world thinks and cared lesser for people who criticized me for what I was doing. I sang songs which were meant for male vocalists, but I had no qualms about it. My friends laughed about it (and so did I along with them) but after it was all over the smile on my face was enough as an answer to all my questions. We freaked out and enjoyed ourselves…that’s all I cared about. Music is about that…no one’s corrupting it….it’s too great to be corrupted and messed with. There’s something good in everything…it’s for us to find that out and enjoy it.
P.S. my biggest challenge was singing ‘Smooth’. Avi did a neat job with it, but I being a female vocalist, didn’t find it easy.
In the evening I went out with my best friend for dinner at McDonald’s at Mani Square. A certain somebody hadn’t bothered to call me or wish me following a supposed “tiff” so I didn’t make any effort to involve that person.Hmph. Dinner was going fine till my dear friend started a tantrum-that she’ll not believe I’m a year older till I cut a birthday cake. Now, at 10 30 in the night, how on earth am I supposed to find a birthday cake? But I still complied and we went on a hunt. All the shops were closing down, when we found a single confectionary still open. On impulse, we went in there to find all the cakes lying in remains or in a very sorry state. What caught shalini’s eye was a mousse…a choc butterscotch mousse which looked tempting indeed but was hardly suitable for a substituting a birthday cake. As usual I lost. We bought it and went back to McDonald’s. I couldn’t believe I was doing it…but I “cut” the mousse and yummmmm!!! The best birthday cake ever!!! I was insane, doing crazy things…but loving it all!
Shalini and me
Later in the night, a few last minute birthday calls and messaging at break neck speed left me tired, but very excited. And yes…the certain somebody no. 1 did call! I fired that person, but I thought to forgive and forget would be the best option. Person number 2, however still didn’t call. Humph.
Overall…it was one of my happiest buddays ever!!!! *smile* hadn’t felt the rush of adrenaline so strongly in a while and I never felt wiser for what I learnt over these past few days and on my 20th birthday. I couldn’t have asked for more.
Friday, August 15, 2008
On a public holiday....
It's independence day. The 62nd i think....i think....
I'll tell you what makes me so indifferent. Yesterday,i was out in the night around 9 pm. It was then that i caught site of a huge crowd huddled around one shop. I was wondering whether there was a huge brawl or something ( which,by the way,is very commonplace). I went nearer and it was then that i realized what was going on. It was a liquor shop people were huddled around. Today's a dry day,so people were stocking up their booze for today. That's what they'll do on this independence day....booze and curse the city and the country for what it is. They'd surely justify their actions...all these working class men in their office attire returning home from work.
Yeah...why SHOULD they really care? for this city? for this country?
It was only yesterday that i was on my way to college. I took a bus from home that crosses Ruby General Hospital and takes the bypass route. I left at 9 am,thinking I'd reach my college (located on college street) in an hour or so. Fate,however,had other plans. I was standing in this crowded bus (with men sitting indifferently and at their chivalrous best,the women standing and too used to the common state of affairs) for 45 minutes and the bus had only reached midway to Ruby ( a journey that takes me 2 minutes to cover otherwise). Livid,i got off the bus and scrapped my plans of attending college and came back home,unable to decide all the way whom to blame for this situation.
There are too many examples to cite at the moment,but the optimistic patriot that I am,i'll try and forget them for a while. We are a developing country,yes. We better support our country. True. But hello? What have i got from being an optimist? A person who's always supported all the moves of my country?
When the inflation rates were at their highest in the past six years, I explained to my layman friends that this was bound to happen. India needs to choose now,between growth and prices. So you better stop complaining. I also explained to my friends how they should stop complaining about the rising oil prices,saying the amount that our country pays for each barrel far exceeds the amount we're shelling out of our pockets. There's a limit to subsidization! the country has to take a step someday!!!
And here's what i get....the Garia Metro station's construction finished nearly 3 years back,but it is still not operational,because of some land dispute. Oh and Nandigram? people JUST don't tire of that bloody issue. A certain woman,who dresses in a dirty white sari and claims she is poor and patriotic(her eyebrows are always finely plucked and she gets regular facials done,btw), is still not over with this cat and mouse chase.
And i keep on waiting....for the world to change!
I'll tell you what makes me so indifferent. Yesterday,i was out in the night around 9 pm. It was then that i caught site of a huge crowd huddled around one shop. I was wondering whether there was a huge brawl or something ( which,by the way,is very commonplace). I went nearer and it was then that i realized what was going on. It was a liquor shop people were huddled around. Today's a dry day,so people were stocking up their booze for today. That's what they'll do on this independence day....booze and curse the city and the country for what it is. They'd surely justify their actions...all these working class men in their office attire returning home from work.
Yeah...why SHOULD they really care? for this city? for this country?
It was only yesterday that i was on my way to college. I took a bus from home that crosses Ruby General Hospital and takes the bypass route. I left at 9 am,thinking I'd reach my college (located on college street) in an hour or so. Fate,however,had other plans. I was standing in this crowded bus (with men sitting indifferently and at their chivalrous best,the women standing and too used to the common state of affairs) for 45 minutes and the bus had only reached midway to Ruby ( a journey that takes me 2 minutes to cover otherwise). Livid,i got off the bus and scrapped my plans of attending college and came back home,unable to decide all the way whom to blame for this situation.
There are too many examples to cite at the moment,but the optimistic patriot that I am,i'll try and forget them for a while. We are a developing country,yes. We better support our country. True. But hello? What have i got from being an optimist? A person who's always supported all the moves of my country?
When the inflation rates were at their highest in the past six years, I explained to my layman friends that this was bound to happen. India needs to choose now,between growth and prices. So you better stop complaining. I also explained to my friends how they should stop complaining about the rising oil prices,saying the amount that our country pays for each barrel far exceeds the amount we're shelling out of our pockets. There's a limit to subsidization! the country has to take a step someday!!!
And here's what i get....the Garia Metro station's construction finished nearly 3 years back,but it is still not operational,because of some land dispute. Oh and Nandigram? people JUST don't tire of that bloody issue. A certain woman,who dresses in a dirty white sari and claims she is poor and patriotic(her eyebrows are always finely plucked and she gets regular facials done,btw), is still not over with this cat and mouse chase.
And i keep on waiting....for the world to change!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Maiden Blog
Yeah I know...i was in two minds before i wanted to start blogging. But what the heck? why think so many times before taking a decision? So here I am :)
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