"Always in my thoughts you are
always in my dreams you are
I got your voice on tape
I got your spirit in a photgraph
Always out of reach you are

Cold inside my arms you are
Simple like a child you are
I remember when you took my hand and led me through the rain
Down inside my soul you are

The more I show the way I feel
The less I find you give a damn
The more I get to know
The less I find that I understand
Innocent, the time we spent
Forgot to mention we're good friends
You thought it was the start of something beautiful?
Well think again.

Mother lost her looks for you
Father never wanted you
I trust to love and then I find you never really felt the same
There's something in your heart so cruel"

-"Start of something beautiful",

Deadwing,Porcupine Tree

I don't get all the things i want in life....and maybe I'm not meant to get them all

Like someone said...."it was never meant to be i guess"

Life changes all the time...turbulent as it is...some changes only help make me feel better in life. Change and time just erase all the wounds...some i probably wanted to stay. They didn't. The wounds simply stayed back in my mind as rusted memories. I thought of those things for so long that I started getting used to them. They became a part of me. I meditated on acceptance. And here I am...ready with my arms wide open to let everything sink in and...I accept! But I never wondered about this servility I was showing the waves that planned to shake me.

I question myself sometimes about what it was...I was too young to understand then...and now I'm too old to go back to that and repent about my mistakes. Yes...I made mistakes! Can't i be forgiven?

The first cut is the deepest...

"This was what it was meant to be like"

I keep falling out with myself...I tell myself time has been kind to me by being the source of hope. Distance has been so too.The spaces seem to swallow all the secrets...all the awkwardness and all that was "not meant to be"...

And here when time brings a mirror with it...and places it in front of me forcing me to look into it. It blinds me...the stark light like truth i don't wish to see. I battle it...but it wins...and when i look...I'm horrified. It's me..but only in the form of someone else.

This is what life is about. You don't want to do a few things...but life forces you to do them. And how can I hold my head up and demand my share...when i know what it feels like?