I'm often surprised at myself. I want to be everything I'm not. Why is it so? Is this human nature? I keep thinking to myself about doing this and that. The sideboard of my table is littered with post-it notes. So many plans...not one of them materializes. And then: light. Yes...it's not them. It's ME who's going through the rough patch. This is a bad time. Like a straw to a sinking man,he came day before yesterday. "Fight!",he says. "Things will start looking up for you post 1st May". I shouldn't be giving a damn about what he says. I shouldn't. I keep telling myself. But do I listen to myself? No. Who would? Who listens to good advice these days? NO ONE!!! I regret somethings i got involved in over the last year. I've changed. I don't want to be this way. I've lost my real self somewhere...as if my real self is screaming somewhere from down under. I'm deaf to its cries. But I still want to wake up. It's been too long. What have I been doing all this while? Work is knocking at my door. Banging. Thumping. I've been deaf to its cries. I've been thinking about so many insignificant things,which I'll probably laugh about later on. What is wrong with me? What happened to all my dreams? Where have all my ambitions gone? This is not me. I have to fight. He was right.
I'm fired up. I'm typing here like i never did before. I think it's working. I'm beginning to fight. I have to harden myself and compete.I have to get back in the race. I'm far behind. This is not how I was or how I want to be. I have to learn to say no and stick to my words. I can't keep being who I am. No. NO! God help me through this.
And thank YOU! I don't know what I would have done had I not read what you wrote. I needed the ignition. You are my ignition. Thank you.