Today was a weird day…
I discovered many things
I didn’t know I could still cry (I cried twice today and I don’t feel ashamed of admitting it)
I discovered what I’ve made myself into without practicing my music dedicatedly
I discovered what one of the most important people in my life thinks of me now (not weird but still funny and hyper-active) :D
Arre yaar…life shows it’s true colours when you’re not ready for it. Why? Why?
I want to get past that guilt…that feeling of scribbling all over myself with a pen lying astray for many decades unattended and uncared for in my house…literally! I did that…drew weird patterns on my hands. I still couldn’t get rid of the guilt. It pierced me. I was ashamed. My embarrassment meant defeat to him, my dad said. Can I kill myself now? Pierce myself all over with the sharpest object I can lay my hands on? Jump from the 13th floor? Achha kam se kam now I’ve resolved to turn into a new person. Kal se regular riyaaz. Promise! And no listening to firangi music (uh…who am I kidding??)…ok…regulated amounts?
For one…I need to control this monster in me and get back to what I was….
Shoot…so much of work! I have noticed something rather weird (or maybe I and many of my peers have remained indifferent to this…we don’t want to notice it)…the more work that piles up…the farther we run away from it.
But I still haven’t told you why I cried the first time. It was when I was listening to a song...the “sriti” part of the song hit me. I was even talking then…about what hurt me most emotionally once when I was a kid. I let the river flow after many years…and felt so relieved! I heard a few things that I pined for from so long…but some I didn’t want to hear (although I knew of them unconsciously). I know now there’s no hope for something. The loss of that hope and remembering all the beautiful things I once got to experience got me teary eyed. I guess things that are better this way. And I haven’t seen the future yet…so I don’t think it might be so murky and colourless after all…. (Oh the results I almost forgot about :P). No it’s not wrong to be hopeful. But what I’m hoping for is going to come out of hurt, shattering of hearts…tch tch…nah I don’t want all that. I just want everyone to be happy…in whichever way they desire. Me shall live with my music…happy and unbothered… :)
And I still haven’t found a solution for something…I don’t know how to not hurt a person…which is but inevitable. I’m letting time do the talking now…
2 comments:
Well!that was quite an eyeful.Not very pleasant to read about someone venting her innermost feelings i must say!just goes to show that everyone has their chinks in their armour!but the secret to winning against all odds is to not be ashamed of those chinks as the shame only serves to deepen those chinks!rather if you just let it out and not let the guilt,pain,suffering,hurt and whatever unsavoury emotions were playin their merry jig inside your brain reach their crescendo and force you to contemplate on all that's gone and can never come back,all that you can't leave behind,you'd be much more relieved at the elation you'll feel at having conquered your worst enemies!and you were right re!there is no shame in tears and i believe one doesn't have to go through one's entire life believing(and suffering as a result) anyone who ever told him/her that!and during times like these when the world seems to bare its fangs at you and make you want to clamber underneath the safety of your blanket,i've got a piece of advice that would hold you in good stead.Just remember-"It could be worse".
I trust you'll be feeing a lot better after this!As you yourself,with your unique capacity to inspire,told me when I was going through one of the worst and truly terribly frustrating and gloomily depressing periods of my life..."keep your spirit alive and never ever bend".You take good care of yourself now!
Cheers! :D
Thanks Mono...truly from the heart! :D
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