I'm often surprised at myself. I want to be everything I'm not. Why is it so? Is this human nature? I keep thinking to myself about doing this and that. The sideboard of my table is littered with post-it notes. So many plans...not one of them materializes. And then: light. Yes...it's not them. It's ME who's going through the rough patch. This is a bad time. Like a straw to a sinking man,he came day before yesterday. "Fight!",he says. "Things will start looking up for you post 1st May". I shouldn't be giving a damn about what he says. I shouldn't. I keep telling myself. But do I listen to myself? No. Who would? Who listens to good advice these days? NO ONE!!! I regret somethings i got involved in over the last year. I've changed. I don't want to be this way. I've lost my real self somewhere...as if my real self is screaming somewhere from down under. I'm deaf to its cries. But I still want to wake up. It's been too long. What have I been doing all this while? Work is knocking at my door. Banging. Thumping. I've been deaf to its cries. I've been thinking about so many insignificant things,which I'll probably laugh about later on. What is wrong with me? What happened to all my dreams? Where have all my ambitions gone? This is not me. I have to fight. He was right.

I'm fired up. I'm typing here like i never did before. I think it's working. I'm beginning to fight. I have to harden myself and compete.I have to get back in the race. I'm far behind. This is not how I was or how I want to be. I have to learn to say no and stick to my words. I can't keep being who I am. No. NO! God help me through this.

And thank YOU! I don't know what I would have done had I not read what you wrote. I needed the ignition. You are my ignition. Thank you.

My new phone :D

Ah. I quite like this new thing I have in my hands. This is my new Nokia 7210 Supernova.

Buying this phone after searching scores of sites made me realize one thing though. As Panda very rightly said the other day,there is no perfect phone in the world. Mobile manufacturers work on a secret deal: to never let their customers reach their bliss point. If they did allow such a thing to happen, it would be catastrophic. People would stop switching to new cellphones. Although I must admit I was very happy (or so it seems now) with my old Sony Ericsson W200i. Had an emotional attachment to it too,since dad had given it to me as a gift after my board results were out and it was the first phone I ever possessed of my own. A day after fussing over my Supernova,I realized it has everything my Ericsson didn't have: Bluetooth,a good camera and a functional GPRS connection. What this phone lacks is the brillaint sound quality which Ericsson phones have. I'm happy though. New things are always wonderful to have :D

Coldplay

As I type this post out,I'm listening to the new album from Coldplay called "Prospekt's March". It's a limited edition LP. Thank God for this blessing called UTorrent.

I became a huge fan of Coldplay from the very first moment I heard them. I loved their style of music. Theirs was probably the only sound that managed to elevate me,second only to Pink Floyd (need I comment on the latter?). Right from "Speed Of Sound" to "Green eyes",Coldplay took my breath away.

One of the main reasons why I've been a faithful fan of Coldplay was this: Coldplay went through a rough patch after Parachtes was released. They struggled with their album "X and Y",which wasn't very well received by critics. Then came a lull. It was after this that Coldplay reinvented its sound and came up with "Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends". I remember most of my friends had already lost their loyalty for this talented Irish Band. I,however,stuck by. They reinvented their sound and their music still gave me that same feeling of elevation. "Lost?" is a track on their album I can still listen to and forget the whole world around me exists. Some people accused Coldplay of ripping their track "Viva La Vida" off Satriani's "If I could Fly" (check out youtube for further info). I disagree with those who accuse Coldplay of plagiarism. It is very much possible that the same kind of riff may have come to Chris Martin's mind too. And I absolutely LOVE Chris Martin. Watching his live concerts opened up before me a new way of treating live concerts: he forgets the world,he's delirious,high on his own music. When he's performing clocks,he looks possessed,but it shows how much he's enjoying the whole experience. He transports you to his world. And you just follow...

Well nothing still compares the feeling of listening to "Clocks" in a dark room and letting the sound penetrate you. That's what I call "getting high",with music!

Hmm...I quite like this new look of my blog. It looked too dark before this. Almost dead.

The Escapades

Fever and illness just have the most brilliant timing ever. Talk about being spoilsports. Nothing could,however,dampen my spirits.
I went for my school reunion and was pleasantly surprised. Some people do change,while others just remain the same. I met quite a few people whom I hadn't seen in the last two years since i passed out of school. The highlights,however,were the renunion of the last benchers' association and the food! :D I did miss some people though...Reshma Begum and the very famous and much-talked about Monideepa Chattopadhyay: my sworn enemy. The first thing mom asked as soon as I entered home was if I had met them both :P

And then...the midnight escapade. I had never before thought i was capable of something like this or had the guts to do it,but yesterday,i did the unthinkable. It was Shalini's birthday and the plan was to go over and surprise her at midnight. With my newly senile and hyper father,it was difficult to leave home at midnight. Yesterday,however,i was in the mood to cross my limits. After thinking,rethinking,convincing myself only the worst could happen after I get caught,I did what i learnt from so many hindi movies i watched over these years. Well they hadn't gone to waste after all :P I dug out all my soft toys, arranged them to look like my sleeping body,covered them with my blanket and did the unimagineable. I took the gift and in my pajamas i went over to Shalini's place. I was seen by the guard downstairs and was followed a little too,but I don't think he saw following an ostrich like girl with a running nose as a better option compared to sitting on his cosy chair and dozing off.
Varun,as usual,forgot to get his gift. Well we did manage to surprise her and everyhting went off well.It was good fun...all the cake smearing,the typical Raj-Varun dum-dum-dum-dish jokes and pajama talk (yes my checkered pajamas were the highlight of the evening). After about an hour of staring at the unopened bottle of Brandy,i returned home,sweating once again with anxiety of getting caught and hauled up. Luck,however,was on my side for once. The door remained half open as i had left it. I sneaked in through the door (it creaked,but dad was sleeping like he had been drugged) and crept into bed. Phew! It was exciting,to break the rules and do what i always wanted to do :a midnight escapade! It was worth all the pains taken.

Dil Gira Dafatan

I've been addicted to this song...Dil Gira Dafatan. Watching Delhi-6 may not have been one of the best cinematic experiences for me. Yeah the movie had it's own plus points: Abhishek without a loser expression on his face in a long time, Sonam Kapoor looking pretty....and that's IT! As i was advised,i did not walk inot the movie hall expecting another Rang De Basanti. I was sorry later to have been expecting anything at all. Well I did have fun though...watching two of my best friends sitting next to me and bawling,watching the hungry couple (hungry for what...you know... :P)

It's the music however...Rahman's an absolute genius! I may sound like a parrot after the whole world's been saying this,but Delhi-6 has music that's one of the best soundtracks I've heard from Rahman in a long time,and it seems like a different person's music especially after Yuvraaj (yes he was the music director for it,believe it or not!).

It's Dil Gira Dafatan which I'm talking about. Rahman's put in all these sounds which are not supposed to be there to make it a good quality track...but how?!? How does it sound so mesmerizing...so beautiful that your heart elevates and you feel like falling in love! The song's pure genius...and Jai Ho sounds like garbage in front of it. The Oscar's a tribute to the musical genius named Rahman.

Lakshmi

"Where's Lakshmi today? I've been missing her in my class for a while now..." I exclaimed to Anusuya aunty,my co teacher.
"She won't be coming in for a while now. The board exams are on and she's studying for them. Last I heard from a neighbour here that she's shifted out of the village."

The last sentence aunty spoke made me stop in my tracks. I was in a state of disbelief.
"She's shifted out from here?"

My heart broke. I didn't have too much to say then. All my way home I could only picture Lakshmi sitting in my class with a timid and shy look on her face, but her eagerness and enthusiasm to learn always shone brightly. I remember Lakshmi's eyes . She was bright,and had a liveliness that always encouraged me to pull myself up and snap out of any bad moods. Lakshmi was one of my most strongest encouraging factors.

It was last year that i met Lakshmi for the first time. She was a local labourer's daughter and a student of class 12. With her father's meagre wages the family tried hard to get through a month, having only a so called "hand to mouth" existence.

All this sometimes reflected on Lakshmi. She used to wear salwar suits with very long kurtas,most of them really old. She used to look much older than her age. However,she was always a bundle of joy for the class. She was caring and very loving,and gentle to most of the children. I remember standing with her outside after our class once. There was a rabid dog near our feet that was moaning and rubbing itself against Lakshmi's ankles. "It won't do anything to you!" ,she would say to me when I,in my usual paranoia,would prepare myself to nearly climb a lamppost if the need arose. I'm petrified of dogs,and made no exception to rabid ones. " This dog is very loving and it's very affectionate too!" Her eyes glinted even in the dim light of the lamppost. "Do you know this dog that well? I'm scared of most canines. They really scare me a lot...NO! DON'T BRING IT SO CLOSE!" I was panicking. That's when i heard something peculiar from Lakshmi,a couple of years younger to me: "It has a heart too! I feed it everyday. I give it two meals a day. It has such a huge appetite!" Lakshmi was from a deprived background and it amused me to think this girl came out twice a day to feed an ailing dog from the little she is endowed herself. I noticed the expression on her face:it was motherly,with a hint of sadness too.



On a saturday evening,sometime 3 months back,we decided to talk to the kids about their ambitions. Most of the kids,when asked,said they wanted to be doctors or engineers. Kids from deprived backgrounds are taught at home to dream only of two things then,i thought. When Lakshmi was asked, she immediately spoke up,"I want to be a lawyer!".



She always came upto me after class and exclaimed how she wanted to speak in perfect english. She saw her weak communication skills as a barrier to the outside world. "Didi! I want to be able to communicate to the world what I have in me. I want them to know I'm capable!"

I learnt from her she had economics,mathematics and geography as her main subjects. She struggled hard,she told me. Juggling housework while her parents were away,studying and trying hard to fulfil her dreams. I saw her as a source of inspiration. If she can,why can't we all? Her determination and grit were what we all noticed in her. She was the oldest in the group,but her age never came as a hindrance to her learning.

Learning about Lakshmi's leaving my group made me very sad because a source of my inspiration is gone. On this women's day,Lakshmi is one woman I've been thinking about,whose story is like so many others,dreaming to become a somebody,someday...