Just another day?!?

Today was a weird day…
I discovered many things
I didn’t know I could still cry (I cried twice today and I don’t feel ashamed of admitting it)
I discovered what I’ve made myself into without practicing my music dedicatedly
I discovered what one of the most important people in my life thinks of me now (not weird but still funny and hyper-active) :D

Arre yaar…life shows it’s true colours when you’re not ready for it. Why? Why?
I want to get past that guilt…that feeling of scribbling all over myself with a pen lying astray for many decades unattended and uncared for in my house…literally! I did that…drew weird patterns on my hands. I still couldn’t get rid of the guilt. It pierced me. I was ashamed. My embarrassment meant defeat to him, my dad said. Can I kill myself now? Pierce myself all over with the sharpest object I can lay my hands on? Jump from the 13th floor? Achha kam se kam now I’ve resolved to turn into a new person. Kal se regular riyaaz. Promise! And no listening to firangi music (uh…who am I kidding??)…ok…regulated amounts?
For one…I need to control this monster in me and get back to what I was….
Shoot…so much of work! I have noticed something rather weird (or maybe I and many of my peers have remained indifferent to this…we don’t want to notice it)…the more work that piles up…the farther we run away from it.

But I still haven’t told you why I cried the first time. It was when I was listening to a song...the “sriti” part of the song hit me. I was even talking then…about what hurt me most emotionally once when I was a kid. I let the river flow after many years…and felt so relieved! I heard a few things that I pined for from so long…but some I didn’t want to hear (although I knew of them unconsciously). I know now there’s no hope for something. The loss of that hope and remembering all the beautiful things I once got to experience got me teary eyed. I guess things that are better this way. And I haven’t seen the future yet…so I don’t think it might be so murky and colourless after all…. (Oh the results I almost forgot about :P). No it’s not wrong to be hopeful. But what I’m hoping for is going to come out of hurt, shattering of hearts…tch tch…nah I don’t want all that. I just want everyone to be happy…in whichever way they desire. Me shall live with my music…happy and unbothered… :)

And I still haven’t found a solution for something…I don’t know how to not hurt a person…which is but inevitable. I’m letting time do the talking now…

"Always in my thoughts you are
always in my dreams you are
I got your voice on tape
I got your spirit in a photgraph
Always out of reach you are

Cold inside my arms you are
Simple like a child you are
I remember when you took my hand and led me through the rain
Down inside my soul you are

The more I show the way I feel
The less I find you give a damn
The more I get to know
The less I find that I understand
Innocent, the time we spent
Forgot to mention we're good friends
You thought it was the start of something beautiful?
Well think again.

Mother lost her looks for you
Father never wanted you
I trust to love and then I find you never really felt the same
There's something in your heart so cruel"

-"Start of something beautiful",

Deadwing,Porcupine Tree

I don't get all the things i want in life....and maybe I'm not meant to get them all

Like someone said...."it was never meant to be i guess"

Life changes all the time...turbulent as it is...some changes only help make me feel better in life. Change and time just erase all the wounds...some i probably wanted to stay. They didn't. The wounds simply stayed back in my mind as rusted memories. I thought of those things for so long that I started getting used to them. They became a part of me. I meditated on acceptance. And here I am...ready with my arms wide open to let everything sink in and...I accept! But I never wondered about this servility I was showing the waves that planned to shake me.

I question myself sometimes about what it was...I was too young to understand then...and now I'm too old to go back to that and repent about my mistakes. Yes...I made mistakes! Can't i be forgiven?

The first cut is the deepest...

"This was what it was meant to be like"

I keep falling out with myself...I tell myself time has been kind to me by being the source of hope. Distance has been so too.The spaces seem to swallow all the secrets...all the awkwardness and all that was "not meant to be"...

And here when time brings a mirror with it...and places it in front of me forcing me to look into it. It blinds me...the stark light like truth i don't wish to see. I battle it...but it wins...and when i look...I'm horrified. It's me..but only in the form of someone else.

This is what life is about. You don't want to do a few things...but life forces you to do them. And how can I hold my head up and demand my share...when i know what it feels like?

Hmmm....Pujos are here again. And the air...I'm getting drunk on it...

It's hardly ever that i miss Pujo. Especially in Udita. I look forward to the Pujas....for all the fun...all my friends coming over for holidays..performing with Illusions....

This time it's going to be different. No pujo...no pigging out...no hanging around downstairs without a care....

:(

Leaving for Manali on saturday morning. Was very excited about it initially...but now I'm feeling bad about all that I'll be missing out on...

Happy Pujo to you all :)